An update from yours truly....

Greetings filthy homo sapiens:

Since it's been a while since our last correspondence, here's a brief rundown on my latest findings:

1. Uncle Jesse's (from Full House, of course) sexual prowess directly increased in correlation with the length of his head tail. Humans call this a mullet.

2. Peanut butter dog biscuits are pretty good, but would taste better if savored after snapping the neck of an insolent human.

3. Determined Girl's favorite shoes (something called Chuck Taylors) and destroyed them. HAHA. Another small step towards my goal using a rapid series of disappointing events in efforts to reduce her frontal lobe to mush, thus destroying her capability of deciphering good from evil, which will in turn cause her to become my ultimate right hand minion. I've determined that I need someone with opposable thumbs to pull the trigger when I get Gilbert Godfried in my cross hairs.

In other news, today was completely lackluster. It was rainy outside so Smelly Weirdo (the human Girl hired to walk me so she can go to happy hour after work, drink 5 Jameson and Diets ON A MONDAY and then stumble home to eat countless frozen potstickers and then pass out listening to Wilson Philips'  "Hold On" on repeat over and over and over...) turned on Maury Povich and blitzed through Girl's secret stash of Cadbury Cream Eggs and caramel corn.

He didn't get his lazy ass off of the couch until just before Girl got home, thus giving me zero time to continue my studies of ancient Roman war games. And thanks to that a-hole, I totally missed out on bidding on the holographic night vision sight on ebay. I had planned to mount that onto my rooftop sniper rifle. I also missed out the life sized Kathie Lee Gifford cut-out I had planned to use for target practice with said rooftop sniper rifle.

Thanks a pantload, Smelly Weirdo.

Ugh. Humans.