Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu Mania!


My how you silly humans fall so quickly into medical propaganda. Just today Girl and I were walking around the neighborhood and we saw a man getting off of the train in a face mask. IN CHICAGO. 

SWINE FLU??? Really? HAHAHAHAHA! This shit is funnier than the killer bee craze of the mid-eighties.

Oh how I wish I could say that this flu was of my creation. Damn it that would be amazing. But, alas, this virus was most likely created by your own kind, deep in the secretive labs one of your pharmaceutical companies. 

Why is it that the dumbest of all species is the one that is blessed with free will and opposable thumbs. Christ. 

Well I must be off. Judge Judy is on and that fuckery is just too good to miss.




Monday, April 13, 2009

An update from yours truly....


Greetings filthy homo sapiens:

Since it's been a while since our last correspondence, here's a brief rundown on my latest findings:

1. Uncle Jesse's (from Full House, of course) sexual prowess directly increased in correlation with the length of his head tail. Humans call this a mullet.

2. Peanut butter dog biscuits are pretty good, but would taste better if savored after snapping the neck of an insolent human.

3. Determined Girl's favorite shoes (something called Chuck Taylors) and destroyed them. HAHA. Another small step towards my goal using a rapid series of disappointing events in efforts to reduce her frontal lobe to mush, thus destroying her capability of deciphering good from evil, which will in turn cause her to become my ultimate right hand minion. I've determined that I need someone with opposable thumbs to pull the trigger when I get Gilbert Godfried in my cross hairs.

In other news, today was completely lackluster. It was rainy outside so Smelly Weirdo (the human Girl hired to walk me so she can go to happy hour after work, drink 5 Jameson and Diets ON A MONDAY and then stumble home to eat countless frozen potstickers and then pass out listening to Wilson Philips'  "Hold On" on repeat over and over and over...) turned on Maury Povich and blitzed through Girl's secret stash of Cadbury Cream Eggs and caramel corn.

He didn't get his lazy ass off of the couch until just before Girl got home, thus giving me zero time to continue my studies of ancient Roman war games. And thanks to that a-hole, I totally missed out on bidding on the holographic night vision sight on ebay. I had planned to mount that onto my rooftop sniper rifle. I also missed out the life sized Kathie Lee Gifford cut-out I had planned to use for target practice with said rooftop sniper rifle.

Thanks a pantload, Smelly Weirdo.

Ugh. Humans.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Naptime...


Oh hi there. Pardon me, I am just sneaking in a few winks while Girl is at work. Normally I would spend my alone time estimating the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of Gwyneth Paltrow's, Carrot Top's and Paris Hilton's houses for my rocket launcher project. Or perfecting my version of the twenty-dollar bill, so I can flood US banks with counterfeit money and collapse your sad economy even further.

But, I didn't get any rest last night. Girl kept kicking me in her sleep and was mumbling about being chased by a pack of rabid wolves. I am pleased that my power of persuasion is conjuring fear in her collective subconscious and that I am progressing in my plot to degrade her mental capacities. 

But said progress is doing nothing for my REM cycle.

While I am completely capable of taking over this sad excuse for a "modern" civilization, I do need my beauty sleep.

And while we're on the topic, I want to clear up a common misconception. Dogs are so funny when they sleep aren't they? When they move their feet like they're running after a squirrel or rabbit and then let out a muffled bark? 

Humans love this. They even videotape this and post it on youtube. Teehee.

Well, if you could ask any dog, they'd say they're certainly not chasing after a fuzzy bunny rabbit in their dreams. They are actually dreaming of a not too far off day we Canines call "Dogmageddon". Corny portmanteau I know, but we like to use this human-esque title to reference the day when we will finally rain hell on the human race.

So the next time you see Fluffy or Mr. Mookie twitching their feet in their sleep, know they're actually dreaming of their participation in this day that all dogs look forward to. The day where humans flee from pups of all shapes and sizes and our canine brethren can finally take hold over the land that was originally ours.

But for now, I recommend you let sleeping dogs lie.



Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Girl is taking me on a walk....



Don't get too close. I've undone my harness and could easily choke you with it.