Guess who's back, Bitches!

That's right. It's been far too long since I graced your pathetic presence with my thoughts, desires and plans to eradicate the human race.

Well, I still want to do that. But, seriously, I've got the hook-up. (Been watching a lot of a show called, Martin, on syndication.

Peep this:

Girl (you remember her as that weirdo fellow human who "rescued" me from the shelter, hilariously oblivious to the realization of my hatred for all things "sapien".) basically IS my slave. Let me exemplify.

1: She walks me around the neighborhood. I urninate both to mark my territory and to remain in contact with my canine brethren. I also defecate, which Girl promptly PICKS UP.

Let me repeat that so you understand the impact of my last statement.

She PICKS up my FECES with her OWN HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sure, she uses a plastic cover, but if that doesn't say "Bitch Servant", I don't know what does.

2: She takes me to the ice cream stand and I get to gorge myself on a cone, which she HAND FEEDS ME!!!! See above evidence.

3. I urinated all over her new zebra rug (Girl has an annoying penchant for animal prints) and Girl merely shrugged her shoulders and sprinkled on the Oxyclean. Sucker.

Words cannot express my utter joy at FINALLY having a human servant. Ugh. This is the life. That said mortal reader, my plot to end your sad race is still in action. But, frankly you humans are doing a pretty good job of that yourself. Now to legalize sterilization for all Ke$ha and Toby Keith fans......I digress...

For the time being, I am going to alternate between Girl feeding me seedless red grapes and fanning me with a large palm frond... and sharing my take on things I consider to be:

1. Idiotic

2. Vapid

3. The reason why humans need to be tarred, feathered, honeyed, fire ant'd, cryogenically frozen so they can later wake up and realize they are going to die a complete failure and then burnt at the stake (but only after they char-grill me a delicious Italian sausage).

More to follow...

Au revoir, mes petits stupids!

-Penny

Swine Flu Mania!

My how you silly humans fall so quickly into medical propaganda. Just today Girl and I were walking around the neighborhood and we saw a man getting off of the train in a face mask. IN CHICAGO. 

SWINE FLU??? Really? HAHAHAHAHA! This shit is funnier than the killer bee craze of the mid-eighties.

Oh how I wish I could say that this flu was of my creation. Damn it that would be amazing. But, alas, this virus was most likely created by your own kind, deep in the secretive labs one of your pharmaceutical companies. 

Why is it that the dumbest of all species is the one that is blessed with free will and opposable thumbs. Christ. 

Well I must be off. Judge Judy is on and that fuckery is just too good to miss.

An update from yours truly....

Greetings filthy homo sapiens:

Since it's been a while since our last correspondence, here's a brief rundown on my latest findings:

1. Uncle Jesse's (from Full House, of course) sexual prowess directly increased in correlation with the length of his head tail. Humans call this a mullet.

2. Peanut butter dog biscuits are pretty good, but would taste better if savored after snapping the neck of an insolent human.

3. Determined Girl's favorite shoes (something called Chuck Taylors) and destroyed them. HAHA. Another small step towards my goal using a rapid series of disappointing events in efforts to reduce her frontal lobe to mush, thus destroying her capability of deciphering good from evil, which will in turn cause her to become my ultimate right hand minion. I've determined that I need someone with opposable thumbs to pull the trigger when I get Gilbert Godfried in my cross hairs.

In other news, today was completely lackluster. It was rainy outside so Smelly Weirdo (the human Girl hired to walk me so she can go to happy hour after work, drink 5 Jameson and Diets ON A MONDAY and then stumble home to eat countless frozen potstickers and then pass out listening to Wilson Philips'  "Hold On" on repeat over and over and over...) turned on Maury Povich and blitzed through Girl's secret stash of Cadbury Cream Eggs and caramel corn.

He didn't get his lazy ass off of the couch until just before Girl got home, thus giving me zero time to continue my studies of ancient Roman war games. And thanks to that a-hole, I totally missed out on bidding on the holographic night vision sight on ebay. I had planned to mount that onto my rooftop sniper rifle. I also missed out the life sized Kathie Lee Gifford cut-out I had planned to use for target practice with said rooftop sniper rifle.

Thanks a pantload, Smelly Weirdo.

Ugh. Humans.

Naptime...

Oh hi there. Pardon me, I am just sneaking in a few winks while Girl is at work. Normally I would spend my alone time estimating the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of Gwyneth Paltrow's, Carrot Top's and Paris Hilton's houses for my rocket launcher project. Or perfecting my version of the twenty-dollar bill, so I can flood US banks with counterfeit money and collapse your sad economy even further.

But, I didn't get any rest last night. Girl kept kicking me in her sleep and was mumbling about being chased by a pack of rabid wolves. I am pleased that my power of persuasion is conjuring fear in her collective subconscious and that I am progressing in my plot to degrade her mental capacities. 

But said progress is doing nothing for my REM cycle.

While I am completely capable of taking over this sad excuse for a "modern" civilization, I do need my beauty sleep.

And while we're on the topic, I want to clear up a common misconception. Dogs are so funny when they sleep aren't they? When they move their feet like they're running after a squirrel or rabbit and then let out a muffled bark? 

Humans love this. They even videotape this and post it on youtube. Teehee.

Well, if you could ask any dog, they'd say they're certainly not chasing after a fuzzy bunny rabbit in their dreams. They are actually dreaming of a not too far off day we Canines call "Dogmageddon". Corny portmanteau I know, but we like to use this human-esque title to reference the day when we will finally rain hell on the human race.

So the next time you see Fluffy or Mr. Mookie twitching their feet in their sleep, know they're actually dreaming of their participation in this day that all dogs look forward to. The day where humans flee from pups of all shapes and sizes and our canine brethren can finally take hold over the land that was originally ours.

But for now, I recommend you let sleeping dogs lie.

Girl is taking me on a walk....

Don't get too close. I've undone my harness and could easily choke you with it.

You humans make it so easy....

Yes, you certainly do. Here's why:

Today I uncovered  an interesting story whilst searching for an at-home recipe for chloroform. Surprising, I know. But, I could not for the life of me recall the ratio of bleach to acetone!

According to theweek.com, there is a new human affliction known as "Forgotten Baby Syndrome." and it's apparently on the rise. Forgotten babies? Well, now you've certainly piqued my interest.

This "syndrome" causes adult humans to forget their spawn in the backseats of sweltering cars, because they're too busy juggling the Wal-Mart circular page, a cell phone, and a Wendy's frosty. They run into the supermart of their choice, to purchase XYZ consumer crap that will sit at the bottom of their closets or basements for years to come.

After countless hours of munching on ranch Doritos and drinking an extra large cherry coke slushy, they suddenly realize that their shopping trip has been largely unencumbered by their yapping, whiny, smelly and unruly offspring. This is because THEY FORGOT TO TAKE THEM OUT OF THEIR CAR SEAT. This discovery causes them to leave their shopping carts which by now are full of fish sticks, fruit roll-ups, lawn furniture and those little ice cream cones with the chunk of chocolate at the bottom, to run out to their minivan to discover their precious little Willy or Janice has succumbed to the oppressively hot conditions. Shame on you! 

Trust me, as someone who has been locked in a hot car only to suffer for hours, I can say it's definitely something I rate up there with a rectal exam at the vet's office. Not cool, humans! Not cool at all!

Stupid humans! You make it so easy for us canines to take over. You're so busy leading your pathetic lives that you've begun to "accidentally" kill your own children. The future of the human race. FORGOTTEN. This admittedly makes me a bit sad and angry.. Any human I don't get to kill myself always bums me out. Though, I certainly prefer to wait until humans are grown adults, full of pointless ideas, blank stares and a general lack of all accountability....Makes for a much more enjoyable experience.

Killing kids and babies has never been of interest to me, as they are truly innocent. They can't help the unfortunate hand dealt to them: being born human. Plus, they are too easily manipulated into doing my bidding. Why not keep them around for a while?

Bedtime....

Even in sleep, I plot her demise. And yours.